This is something I think about all of the time and it really came to light when I saw an Instagram post a couple of weeks ago (which I wish I had saved to share with you, but alas...)
The post was basically criticizing Attachment Theory as being too individually or internally focused when most of the problems folks face are systemic or external issues.
To which I say: two things can be true at the same time.
You could make that argument about mental healthcare, healthcare, and wellness. These fields tend to be focused on the individual person and what's going on with them internally. That is true.
And what is also true, is that a lot of what is ailing people right now are systemic wounds. Not systemic breakdowns- the systems are working as they were intended- but the cumulative effect of living under centuries of harmful systems has created trauma for people.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about how these two things intersect. For many reasons:
I am a social worker by training. We are trained to look at people not only internally but also as a part of a larger eco-system that they move through and in.
My vision of the world is one that is oriented towards connection, community, creativity, and sensual empowerment. Every single day I ponder what actions (big or small) will guide us that direction.
Let's use healthcare as an example: if you had a bacterial infection, you would likely take antibiotics. It might also be true that the infection is the symptom of a harmful system (let's say inadequate cleaning processes at your workplace). But you having an infection that lays you out, doesn't help solve the problem of fixing the cleaning processes.*
Most folks I work with come to me with an attachment injury of some kind. Usually as a result of growing up in an environment where their caregivers couldn't or wouldn't meet their needs.**
What we know about attachment injuries is that they impact how you show up in relationship in all areas of life: family, friends, romantic, sexual, work, etc.
Attachment injuries can be subtle ("I always feel a bit left out by my coworkers") or in-your-face ("I never feel safe in relationships and they literally always end after 3 dates", "I really want to have sex with this person but I'm scared to be vulnerable with them" ).
Attachment injuries make it extremely challenging to connect with other people. Connecting with other people is one of the most important steps in building community.
It's not the first step but it's one of the most important ones. I cannot think of a way to build community that does not involve connecting with other people on at least some level.
Community building involves navigating multiple relationships with:
varying degrees of emotional and physical involvement (i.e. who's an acquaintance vs. a friend vs. a partner vs. someone I'm just completing this task with?)
boundary setting (i.e my boundaries with this person might be different than they are with this person)
communication styles (i.e. this person needs me to communicate early and often while this person needs just one text and they're good)
self-knowledge and self-esteem of who you are and what you contribute to the whole without undervaluing what you bring (self deprecators, I'm looking at you) or over-hyping what you bring (people who think it's "all on you", I'm looking at you)
These are all skills that folks with attachment injuries tend to struggle with.
The process of creating community from a place of attachment injury can feel exhausting, overwhelming, confusing, and damn near impossible.
So where does healing fit in?
First of all, these processes can be concurrent. I think one of the most harmful lies I've seen on social media in the last decade is that you have to be "completely healed" to be worthy of a relationship (any kind of relationship). That's really not true.
If you are working on healing your attachment injury, there will probably be some relational mis-steps along the way- but that's how we learn. You can absolutely find meaningful friendships, relationships, or sexual connections before you're completely "healed" (which, by the way, doesn't really exist.)
Injury happens in relationship to other, but it's also healed in relationship to other.
Secondly, you'll make more impact in community if you've at least partly healed your attachment injury. If you're feverish and coughing every other breath, you probably won't be that effective at the office meeting about updating the cleaning processes.
If you show up in survival mode to relationships, you're going to have a harder time building community.
And we need community. I want you to show up exactly as you are to the community of your choice and feel like you belong. That's more of what we need. That's the late-stage-capitalism antidote.
If you operate from that place, everything is more effective. Community, organizing, resource sharing- it all flows downstream from feeling like we belong.***
It's a both/and situation. We need to heal ourselves and our injuries so we can find pleasure in life, belonging in community, and show up for ourselves and each other. At the same time, we need to acknowledge that the systems in place cause real harm and need to be updated for the new millennium.
And that's work I'd rather do together. What about you?
*I am not a medical doctor, this was just a very, very simplified example.
**Attachment theory has been around and heavily researched since the 1960's. I break it down in a very simple way here.
***I have also long-believed the inverse to be true. I bet billionaires have hella attachment injury. I don't know if it was my obsession with Succession but those people need healing. There's simply no need to hoard that level of resources.
Commentaires