Wait, let me back up a little bit...
I'm part of a monthly Somatic consultation group that is amazing! It's run by Rachel Lewis-Marlow, one of the co-founders of the Embodied Recovery Institute where I do my training.
Last week she said something so profound, I've been chewing on it since:
"Someone cannot have more nervous system regulation than the system that they are part of."
The way my jaw dropped... damn!
[Side note: quick & dirty definition of nervous system regulation: the ability of the body and brain to stay calm, connected, and present throughout the day. Growth, expansion, and breakthroughs happen here.
Therefore nervous system dysregulation is the opposite: the nervous system struggles to manage stress, emotions, or physiological responses. Anxiety, depression, stomach aches all live here.]
In that context, we were talking about a teenager who was bumping up against her parents' concerns and expectations: the parents have completely unrealistic expectations for their child.
How many times as children were we expected to have more nervous system regulation and capabilities than the systems we grew up in?
Whether that's our family systems, educational systems, neighborhoods, religious communities, etc.
And that got me thinking: where is that still true?
Right now: is there a system that you are a part of that is capping your ability to grow and expand?
A workplace that's leading you to doubt yourself and get a stomach ache on the drive to work everyday...
A friend group that's horribly self-involved: everything is always a crisis for everyone else (but yet no one seems to care about your problems?)...
A dance krewe where everyone's attitude is so bitter: "no one values us", "no one cares about us", and "what's the point?!".
Your nervous system will only be able to regulate as much as the systems it's in.
So... what does that mean?
This is your sign to end it.
"It's been fun, no really! But I gotta go."
If your goal is expansion, growth, and fulfilling your wildest dreams: then you need a new system.
A new group of friends, a new workplace, a new consultation group, or a new hobby.
Stop asking your nervous system to do the impossible. That's not fair to it or to you.
Listen, I know this is easier said than done. I get it.
Here are three things I recommend to aid this process:
Dial up your Inner BFF's voice: "you are brave, you are worthy, you can always go back" (side note: if they change, they'll let you back. if they don't, you don't want to be there.)
Allow space to grieve. Endings are losses, even if they're ending so something better can come along. How do you grieve? Are there any traditions or rituals you use to cope with loss?
Start looking for the expanders. Your dance krewe sucks. Yeah, I said it. Which dance troupe seems expansive? Where are your people? Start looking!
Are there people out there you admire? Email them and ask them what resources they used. If they're honest, they absolutely had support. No one does it alone.
Join the thing. Go with humility and curiosity. People love to let other people know about the thing that lights them up.
Do not waste your one wild and precious life being capped by other people who refuse to change.
Make an exit plan if you need one, but for real: make one.
This is your sign to end it. Use the sh*t for fertilizer for your next big thing.
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